Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice, Kiss Me Stupid
by Megan8
Summary: Sam discovers a weakness in Carly, but will she try to exploit it? Yeah, she will! Carly/Sam, CAM, femslash, etc. You've been warned.
1. Chapter 1

Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice, Kiss Me Stupid

Author: Megan

Disclaimer: iCarly and everything related to it are the property of Nickelodeon. I think.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Summary: Sam discovers a weakness in Carly, but will she try to exploit it? Yeah, she will!

Notes: This is a Carly/Sam story, that is to say there is femslash here. I don't write comedy often, but this one is supposed to be funny. If it's not, well, you're welcome to let me know. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

1.

It wasn't the most comfortable position Carly had ever been in. She'd manoeuvred herself to a kind of a crab-like state, with both feet and hands on the mat and with her back to the floor. In addition, her right hand was reached quite far back, around her waist level, meaning her center of gravity was way off and she was wobbling worrisomely. To make matters worse, Sam had one leg over Carly's stomach and her knee kept bumping into her. The blonde was also giggling madly in her left ear because Carly had just placed her in a headlock.

Yet, despite that late development, it was pretty obvious to Carly she was losing this game of Twister. "Just give already," Sam struggled to say between giggles.

"Never! This is going exactly according to my plan," Carly said, trying to shift to a more stable position.

"Whatever..."

"Umm, guys?" Freddie put in from behind the camera, "We're running out of time here."

"So just call the next move already!" Carly shouted. She was quite annoyed, didn't like losing even if it was just a stupid game.

"All right. Geez..." the boy replied, backing towards his laptop, keeping the camera trained on the girls. "This one's from Ally," he said, clicking a button and bringing up a teen girl on the wall monitor.

"Hi, guys!" the girl yelled excitedly, "This is so awesome, I'm a huge fan and I really love what you..."

"The move!" Carly again raised her voice in frustration. Then, as she realised how rude she came off, she quickly went on, "Please. I meant to say. Ally, would you please give Sam her move. Now."

"Oh..kay."

"Hey, Ally, because we need to wrap this up, I'll give you a little hint," Sam started talking, craning her neck and trying to see the monitor, which was pretty difficult from where her head was stuck, "Left hand, blue."

"No, wait..." Carly quickly tried to interrupt, even as her eyes were scanning the board and she tried to figure out what it meant in terms of the game, "You can't..."

"Come on, Ally!" Sam shouted over Carly's voice, "You know you want to see Miss Bossy lose!"

"... do that!" Carly finished.

"Yeah, cool," the girl in the monitor said, "Sam, left hand on blue."

"Son of a..." Carly started muttering.

"Language!" Freddie quickly yelled. "Your move, Sam," he added, cutting off Ally with another click of a button.

Sam was again chuckling quietly as she snaked her head away from under Carly's arm. She then quickly hoisted her left hand over the brunette, landing it right next to her head. The move ended with Sam situated effectively on top of Carly, with their faces only inches apart. "Hi," the blonde smirked, looking her directly in the eyes. "Now do you give?"

"Cheater," Carly shot back.

"Aww, don't be a sore loser! We need to end this somehow." Sam's grin only grew bigger.

"Your breath stinks."

Sam squinted her eyes and the smile slowly disappeared. "Just for that, I'll make this as painful as I possibly can."

"Oh, yeah?" Carly laughed incredulously. "What are you gona...?"

"Mmmmmuah!" Sam uttered as she landed a quick smooch squarely on Carly's lips.

Carly was completely unprepared for it, and the surprise shocked the remaining strength from her body. All of her limbs gave out under her at the same time and she fell down on her butt with a rather undignified thump.

"Hurrah! Victory for Sam! " the blonde cheered, springing to her feet and throwing her arms in the air. "Who's the champ?! I'm the champ!"

Carly was still too stumped to do anything but look on as Sam started doing a lame booty shake victory dance. "Five seconds," she heard Freddie call, but it didn't really register as anything meaningful in her brain.

Luckily, Sam was on the ball and turned to the camera, "Thanks for watching, and check out iCarly dot com for more and much more Carly humiliation!"

"And we're clear," Freddie said, killing the live feed.

Sam's mood instantly dropped a couple of notches. She was still noticeably jubilant, but not nearly as jumpy as she had been in front of the camera. "Good show, Carls," she said. Glancing down at Carly, she started stretching out her arms, "Ugh. That was a lot of work."

For her part, Carly was still dumbfounded by Sam's finishing move. Her brain was working on overtime, trying to put the pieces together. Never mind the cheating, that was to be expected from the blonde, but she also kissed her! That was new. Every time Carly thought she had her friend all figured out, she pulled something else from her sleeve. The problem was this particular new piece didn't seem to fit the puzzle at all, as far as Carly could tell.

"So, what the heck was that, Sam?" Freddie asked, when Carly still couldn't find her voice. He was fiddling with his equipment, but there was a distinctly angry frown on his face.

"What?" Sam replied, bending to pick up her shoes and socks, which she had insisted on removing before the game.

"You kissed Carly!" Freddie said, raising his voice and looking up from the computer.

Sam laughed briefly. "What kissed? Are you kidding me?" she said, her look drifting from Freddie to Carly, who was still seated on the game board. "That was no kiss."

"No, I remember a kiss," Carly said quietly, nodding her head.

"Are you even okay? Why are you still down there?" Sam frowned.

Carly kept on nodding. "Uhhum. You kissed me." Her stare moved from Sam's face to her bare feet.

"I mean, god, Sam! I have a shot of it right here!" Freddie shouted irately, punching a number of keys on his laptop and bringing up an image of the last moments of the Twister game on the wall monitor.

Sam only glanced at it quickly before turning back to Freddie and Carly. "Look, you incredible nubs," she sighed exaggeratedly, "That was no damn kiss. I made a sound and pressed my mouth against Carly's. That's it. I use more tongue with my grandma, for god's sake!"

Freddie cringed back, shaking his head rapidly, while Carly closed her eyes and made a horrified face. "Oh, eww. That is disgusting," she said and started laughing despite herself, "You are disgusting, Sam."

"You sound surprised." Sam smiled and headed for the stairs. "I have to get going now," she said, waving her hand on the way.

"Yeah, you do," Carly said, still shuddering from the mental image Sam had planted in her head. She finally mustered enough energy to get off the floor just as the blonde disappeared out of sight. "Bye!" she shouted after the girl, then waited for a reply for a second, but it never came. Looking over at Freddie, who still seemed to be in a mild state of panic, she shrugged and set to gathering up their discarded iCarly props. In retrospect, her mild freak out over the kiss was ridiculous. What exactly set it apart from the million of other stunts Sam pulled all the time? Nothing, really. It wasn't nearly as mean as some of them, or as clever, or even really as stupid. Just something she decided to do, because the opportunity presented itself.

"You okay?" Freddie asked her after a minute. "That is one sick, disturbed girl."

Carly chuckled quietly. "You're not wrong. But she's my sick, disturbed girl," she said, directing a smile to Freddie, "Wouldn't have her any other way."

"Pfff," the boy sneered, shaking his head, "I wouldn't have her any way, shape or form."

Carly smiled to him again, before folding up the Twister board and packing it inside its box. "Who knew she was so limber?" she muttered to herself. "I'll be downstairs," she then added louder to Freddie, and walked in the elevator.

On the way down, Carly again tried to process what had happened. Personal space had never had much meaning when it came to Sam, she doubted whether the girl was even aware of the concept. Sam would touch, hug and drape herself all over Carly whenever it suited her. She was use to it by now, for sure. And it wasn't like Carly herself wasn't prone to similar behaviour. But a kiss was still a kiss, no matter how Sam tried to play it down. There had to be some boundaries not even she could cross.

At the bottom floor, Carly exited the elevator into the living room, quickly scanning the surroundings. She had expected to find Spencer there, but instead it was Sam who was seated at the bottom stair, lacing up her sneakers. The girl looked up quickly and smiled.

"Hey. I thought you left already," Carly said, taking slow, unsure steps toward her.

"Any moment now," Sam replied, "Just waiting for my mom to come pick me up."

"Ah." Carly nodded. She hesitated for a second, then took more purposeful strides to Sam's side.

Sam glanced up a second time, with a more confused expression now, and finished tying up her shoes. "What?"

Carly sighed and took a seat next to her on the stairs. "Look, I forgive you for cheating, but..."

"I didn't even apologise, though."

"Iforgiveyou!" Carly shouted rapidly, closing her eyes momentarily, then fixing a stern stare to Sam. "But did you really have to go that far?" she said, calm again.

"Aww, come on. Are you still on about that _stupid_ kiss?" Sam groaned. "Why?! I get that the Dweeb is upset because I got there first, but you? Why do you even care?"

"Because you kissed me!"

"But I've never seen you freeze up like that."

"Yeah, it's because you kissed me!" Carly shouted in frustration. "Is any of this getting through?"

"So, wait..." Sam stopped when her cell phone started ringing. She pulled it out of her pocket and checked the display. "That's my mom." She stood up.

"What were you gonna say?" Carly asked.

Sam grinned at her mischievously. "Nothing." She started walking towards the door, but halfway there she twirled around. "Oh, I won't be around tomorrow. We're going to visit relatives." The grin was still plastered on her face. "I can't wait. There might even be some smo-ooching!" she added in a singsongy voice, laughing as she turned to leave again.

"Shut up!" Carly shouted burying her shaking head in her palms. "I don't wanna hear about your sick incesty adventures." She didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so her voice came out as a pitiful whine. "I really don't."


	2. Chapter 2

2.

Monday morning before classes Carly was at her locker, feeling like crap. She'd only gotten a couple of hours of sleep, after working late into the night on her history paper. That elusive A still haunted her. She was determined to catch it this semester.

"Ugh. I'm so tired," she grumbled, laying her head on top of the book pile inside the locker. "Freddie, wake me up when the bell rings."

"Sure thing," the boy said from beside her, tooling around on his phone.

"I don't get it. I drank coffee like crazy this morning. I'm talking five, six cups!" Her voice echoed ominously from inside the metal box. "Why won't it help, Freddie?!"

"I wouldn't know. My mom won't let me touch caffeine. She says it's a gateway drug."

"Yeah, a gateway to an ENORMOUS DISAPPOINTMENT!" Carlie shouted, banging her forehead down on the books once, before retreating out of the locker and shutting the door. "Next time I'm going with speed. Stupid, jinky coffee..." she whined, letting her voice trail off.

Freddie put away the phone and turned to face her, "So, hey, can I come over tonight? We could work on the show."

"I don't know... No. I still have to finish that paper," Carly kept complaining, "I'm so miserable right now."

"Oh, cheer up. At least..."

"Carly, Fredward. Morning. " Sam snuck up to them, sounding unusually chipper for a non-morning person.

"I'm so miserable right now," Freddie said, letting his gaze fall to his feet.

"Well, that was easy," Sam smiled, directing her attention to Carly, "What's the matter with you?"

Carly found herself perking up a little at the sight of the blonde. At least Sunday had cleared off all residual awkwardness she might've harboured from the kiss. Sam's proximity didn't make her uncomfortable at all, and while she wasn't exactly craving for a hug from the girl, she wouldn't have put up a fight had one been offered either. It wasn't, though. Sam just kept staring at her.

"Tired." Carly shrugged, returning the smile. "How were your visitations? Or do I even want to hear about it?" she added, remembering the girl's sickening parting words from Saturday.

"Surprisingly good, considering what I had to work with," Sam said, tilting her head to the side. There was a dreamy, distant look in her eyes as she went on, "Oh, I wanted to tell you about this one fine piece of..."

"I don't think I want to hear this..." Carly tried to stop her friend.

"Lamb chop... I had?" Sam got a little confused by the interruption.

"What...? Oh, meat. Great, go ahead, tell me about it." Carly stumbled a little on her response, relieved to have Sam talking about food.

"Well, it was delicious. Firm but tender, and so, so juicy... When I put it to my mouth, it was like the whole world melted away and it was just the two of us."

Carly frowned first at the odd imagery, _but okay_! Sam'd always been weird about her food. She fixed a pleasant smile on her face and placed her hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Aww. I missed my hungry little friend."

Sam smiled back, but only briefly. "You do know that when I say 'lamb chop', I really mean 'Grandma', right?" she said, furrowing her brow.

The smile froze on Carly's face, and she tightened her grip on Sam's shoulder. "You complete and utter bastard," she deadpanned.

"Ow." Sam winced, trying to wriggle away from the hold Carly had on her, "Carls, you're hurting me. Please let go."

"Not until you promise never, ever, ever, EVER to mention your grandma to me again."

"Fi-"

"Never!"

"-ne." Sam let out a short chuckle despite the pained expression on her face. When Carly let go, Sam lifted her own hand to the shoulder and started rubbing it. "Wow, you're stronger than you look, girl."

"I'm sorry," Carly replied, leaning forward and blowing twice in the general vicinity of Sam's arm. "But you had to be taught," she went on, shaking her head. "If this grandma business continues, I won't be able to be your friend anymore."

"It's okay. I was beginning to gross myself out, too."

Carly exchanged looks with Sam, and let out a short giggle. Even at her worst, there was no one she'd rather spend time with than Sam. No one else had the ability to make the most horrifying, stupid, boring, insane events so enjoyable.

"I didn't even think that was possible," Freddie put in from the side.

Sam sneered, glancing at the boy. "Just because you can't do something, doesn't make it impossible. Case in point: kissing Carly."

Carly cleared her throat and let her gaze roam around the hallway awkwardly, while Freddie began stammering out half-eaten words. Wasn't it about time for classes to start? Sure felt like it to her.

Finally the boy took a deep breath and started anew, "You said it wasn't even a kiss!"

"We should be going," Carly said, turning to head for the staircase.

Sam set out to walk beside Carly, "You can't hold me accountable for my words, Dweeb. Half the crap I say contradicts the other half, anyway."

"But that's _exactly_ why you should be held accountable!" Freddie started ranting, infuriated by the blonde's illogic.

"Whatever," Sam shrugged, ignoring the guy. "Oh, hey, can I come over tonight, Carly? I've kinda had all I can take of my mom for a while."

"Sure," she nodded.

"What?! Why can she come over but I can't?" Freddie asked, still clearly frustrated.

Carly gave him an apologetic look. "Well, I need Sam to keep me awake, if I want to finish that history paper. She's good at that."

"I could help you stay awake," Freddie said, sounding so pitifully hopeful.

"Tsk. You?" Sam laughed while Carly was still thinking of her response. "You couldn't keep awake a speed-freak, hooked up on an electroshock machine."

"Oh my god, I was just talking about speed a minute ago!" Carly shouted excitedly, stopping at the bottom of the stairs and turning to Sam.

"You were?" the blonde grinned back.

"Totally!"

"Awesome work, brain twin!" Sam lifted her closed fist between them.

Carly began laughing as she bumped her knuckles against Sam's, and then turned to ascend the stairs just as the bell rang.


	3. Chapter 3

3.

The wall before Carly seemed impenetrable. At first it had only appeared to be a small bump in the road, something she could easily overcome by doubling her efforts, but now she could no longer see a way past it. She kept reading and rereading the material, but it just wouldn't stick in her head, and when she tried to form a coherent sentence on her computer everything just became a jumble. She was too tired, plain and simple.

"Sam?" she quipped over her shoulder, "A little help?"

"What?" came the wearily startled reply.

Carly sighed and turned around on her seat, looking in the living room. The television was showing some infomercial, and Sam was sprawled on the couch, lying on her side, her head on the armrest. She must've been sleeping, the jerk! "You're supposed to help me concentrate!" Carly shouted irately.

Sam let out a chuckle and twisted her neck around to look back at Carly. There was a grin on her face, even though her eyes barely stayed open. "How am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know, but that's the only reason I let you stay over!"

"I thought I was just supposed to keep you awake?"

Carly rolled her eyes. "You're not doing that either."

A puzzled expression came over Sam as she sat up and stretched her arms high in the air, yawning in the process. "But you're awake, aren't you?"

"No thanks to you," Carly said, then watched how Sam only shrugged her shoulders helplessly, looking apologetic. "Ugh! You are useless to me!" she groaned and swung around again, back to the kitchen counter, the computer and her many books. She picked up one that was already open and tried to focus her eyes on the text.

"I don't know what I can do, Carls. Don't be mad." Sam's voice sounded sad, but Carly knew it was a deliberate attempt to gain sympathy from her. "If I talk, I'm only distracting you. If I try to help, you'll never get your A... Oh, I know!" The last words came as a happy shout.

"You're not hacking into the school's computer to change my grade again," Carly stated blandly.

"Awwwh! Then I'm out of ideas."

Carly sighed. "You could rub my shoulders."

"No," Sam said firmly.

"Then make me a snack."

Carly heard a loud groan from the living room. "Do I have to?" Sam's voice was even whinier this time.

"Yes!"

There was no movement in the living room that Carly could detect. She wasn't exactly holding her breath either. Sam was lazy under the best of circumstances, when she was tired it usually took some unearthly force to get her to do anything. And, really, it was a little unfair of Carly to take her frustration out on the blonde. It wasn't Sam's fault that she was having so much trouble finishing one stupid assignment. But the beauty of their relationship was exactly in the fact that they didn't _have_ to be fair to each other. What they had was so deep that Carly couldn't think of anything that wouldn't be forgiven between them.

"I got it!" Sam suddenly yelled after almost a minute, when Carly had already become convinced she'd fallen back asleep. She set down the book, not having memorised a single word or made any kind of progress really, and again faced the living room. Sam was on her knees on the couch, leaning over the backrest, staring back at her with an excited smile. "Did I ever tell you about this dolphin show I saw on television?" the girl asked.

Carly's expression remained bored as she tilted her head slightly to the side. "What?"

"No, this is good!" Sam went on, likely noticing the disbelief on Carly's face.

"When did you watch a program about dolphins?" Carly asked dubiously. It certainly didn't sound like something Sam would be interested in.

"I don't know, earlier this evening," Sam shook her head quickly, "It ended about an hour ago, I guess."

"No, you never told me about that. I suppose I've been too busy," Carly talked in a calm voice, "WORKING ON MY ESSAY!" she finished with a shout.

"Whoa!" Sam uttered, visibly taken aback. "Deep breaths, Carly. Now, do you wanna hear about this or not? It'll really help you," the girl added quickly.

Carly closed her eyes and followed Sam's advice, taking in a couple of calming breaths, before returning her attention to the girl. "Fine, tell me about the doolphins," she said, drawing out the words boredly, imitating Sam's patented 'Yes, mother' voice.

"First, come closer," Sam said, haphazardly emphasising her words with a hand wave. "This is so good, it has to be whispered."

Lazily Carly pushed herself off the chair and started slowly making her way across the floor. "It better be better than sliced bread," she said in a warning tone. She would not tolerate any nonsense this time of night. When she arrived behind the couch she directed her gaze down on the blonde girl, who was staring back intently. "Dolphins?" Carly queried.

"Dolphins," Sam affirmed quietly. "Did you know that when they sleep, half of their brain stays awake and they can still keep on keeping on?"

There was a disturbingly amused quality to Sam's voice. It bothered Carly quite a lot, but what she had actually said sounded too curious to neglect. "I guess I'd heard of it. It does sound familiar," she said, "What are you getting at?"

Sam motioned her to come closer with her finger, and waited while Carly crouched down and laid her head on the backrest right next to hers. "Now, listen carefully," Sam said, staring directly into Carly's eyes. "You know how we're brain twins?"

"Wha...?" It was all Carly managed to get out of her mouth before it was swiftly attacked by Sam's lips. The blonde lunged forward and kissed Carly much more aggressively than the first time. The effect on her was pretty much the same, though. She could feel it all happening, even when Sam pushed her tongue past her lips into her open mouth. She knew what was going on but just couldn't react to it in any way. There was a faint coconut taste to Sam's lips that also registered as an enjoyable experience.

And then it was all over. Sam pulled away and grinned at Carly's blank, empty expression. "Are you listening?" the girl whispered barely audibly.

"Ahha..." Carly made a noise, even though no muscles on her face moved.

"Good," Sam chuckled quietly. Placing her mouth right next to Carly's ear, she started telling her about dolphin sleep and brain twins.


	4. Chapter 4

4.

Carly was on a roll. This Revolutionary War business was a cake-walk for her! She had researched the subject perfectly _and_ she knew how to string words together. There really was no possible way for her to fail.

Tap, tap, tap, she finished another sentence, and turned slightly to the side, picking up a bowl from the counter. She scooped up a nice, small spoonful of ice-cream and closed her eyes as she brought it to her lips, in order to really savor the moment the taste hit her mouth.

Just as Carly was about to return to her work she heard a door opening and the soft toddling of feet. She turned to watch as Spencer slowly slouched his way across the almost dark living room and towards her at the kitchen counter. "Hey," she greeted him with a giddy smile.

Spencer still seemed half asleep. "Shouldn't you be in bed? It's two am," he muttered, rubbing his head lazily.

"I'm almost done," Carly quipped, turning to the screen and trying to find her train of thought again. Tea, taxes, Washington, Jefferson, the King of England... what else?

"What's she still doing here?" Spencer asked, nudging his head towards the living room couch.

Carly was slightly annoyed that she couldn't just finish this up and get some sack time, but in a good enough mood that she agreed to swirld around in her seat. "She's helping me stay awake," she said, taking in the sight of Sam sitting on the couch, her head flung back over the backrest, snoring very loudly.

Spencer looked confusedly at Carly, then Sam, and back at Carly again. "How?"

Carly squinted her eyes at her brother. "Do you really want to know?"

There was a brief silence while Spencer hesitated. "Mm-maybe," he then said.

"It's a little bit crazy."

Spencer nodded vigorously. "I like crazy."

"Okay, then," Carly said, leaning in conspiratorially, "Did you know that when dolphins and whales sleep, only one half of their brain is sleeping? Meaning that they're never _really_ asleep. They can still do stuff, because the other half is awake?"

Spencer stared back at her mutely. Then slowly a wild gleam entered his eyes. "I did not know that," he whispered. "But it sounds pretty freaking awesome!"

"Shhh!" Carly quickly shushed him, taking a quick glance to make sure Sam hadn't awoken. "Well, earlier tonight, like around midnight, Sam figured out that our brains are linked like that! So only one of us has to sleep at a time, because we're brain twins!"

"That... doesn't make any sense," Spencer said, as the gleam died away.

"Yes, it does." Carly leaned back haughtily.

"No, it doesn't."

"Yesitdoes!" Carly screamed, no longer caring if Sam woke up or not, "I have to finish my homework!"

"Okay, let's assume for a moment we live in a coocoo world... How does it help you that Sam is sleeping? She's only resting her own brain, yours is still wide awake," Spencer said, poking a finger on her forehead.

"You," Carly said, repaying the favour by lightly flicking Spencer's nose, "Just don't understand how this brain twin deal works. See, Sam's not resting _her_ brain, she's resting _mine._ While Sam's brain is in here," she tapped her head a couple of times, "doing all the work."

"So, in other words, Sam's brain is doing your homework?"

Carly's face fell. "Yeah... that's not very smart, is it?" she looked pitifully at her brother. "But she explained it so well..."

Spencer nodded sympathetically, and reached out a hand to stroke her hair. "And you also realise that everything you just told me was totally insane?"

"Well, of course it's insane!" Carly muttered angrily, grabbing the spoon from her ice-cream bowl, "It came from Sam's stupid head, didn't it?!" She directed her stare to the sleeping figure, and then flung the spoon towards it as hard as she could. It hit the girl on her temple and then bounced from there, falling on her lap. "Wake up, Professor Pucket!" Carly shouted when she noticed movement on the couch.

Slowly and unsteadily Sam seemed to be waking from her slumber. The girl leaned forward, lifting her hand to her temple and rubbing it in a circular motion. "I got an owie on my head," she whined, barely loud enough for Carly to hear. Then her eyes fell on the spoon on her lap, which she eagerly snatched and lifted in her smiling mouth. "Mmmm!" the girl groaned, this time from pleasure.

"Are you awake yet, Sunshine?" Carly tried to get her friend's attention. Sam was still moving pretty slow, though, and it took a couple of seconds before she turned to Carly. "So I can beat you unconscious with that spoon?!"

Sam sighed in deep. "What did I do now?" she asked in a voice that was easily as cumbersome as her movements. Then her eyes shifted to Carly's side, where Spencer was still standing, hands tucked in his bathrobe pockets. "Oh, hi, Spencer."

"Hellou," he replied quietly, then added with a smile, "Dolphin brain."

"Whaa..." Sam frowned and shook her head, clearly lost.

"Oh, so you don't remember?" Carly asked, rolling her eyes.

"Remember what?"

"How you tricked me!" Carly shouted back. She was tired, embarrassed and a little bit furious. "Your brain-twin theory?" she went on, when Sam still wasn't connecting the dots, "It's complete bullcrap! You just wanted to go to sleep!"

Finally a light seemed to go on in Sam's head, and a wicked grin grew on her face. "Oh, yeah," she said, sounding pretty satisfied with herself. "I can't believe you bought that one, Carly." Sam started laughing.

"Oh, shut up," Carly mumbled under her breath. She swung back around to the counter, glancing at Spencer, who was observing the whole situation silently with his eyes half closed, on the way. She picked up the ice-cream bowl before realising something was missing. "Bring me my spoon," she said, not looking back, but lifting an open hand up to her shoulder level.

The laughter started to move closer at first, before dying away a few feet away from her. "Here you go," Sam said, coming up behind Carly and slapping the spoon on her palm. "Brain twin," she whispered quietly directly in her ear.

Carly snorted out a thoroughly unattractive laughter, before glancing at Sam over her shoulder. There was an equally amused expression on the blonde's face. Only Sam had the ability disarm her so easily, when she was doing her damnedest to stay mad at the girl. No one else would've gotten a pass so quickly. Of course, the fact that she was dead tired also meant her defences were at an all time low.

Still staring into Sam's beaming eyes, she was struck by an incredibly powerful affection for the girl. "You are the greatest thing ever to happen to me. You know that, right?" she whispered back.

Sam kept grinning back, and then brought up her hand and tussled Carly's hair. "Aw, are we feeling mushy?" the blonde said flippantly. Her hand went from the hair and towards the bowl still in Carly's hands, "Can I have some of that?"

Carly snapped out of her trance just in time to protectively cradle the bowl to her chest. "No way, get your own," she said. Turning away from the girl, she took a big scoop of ice-cream in her mouth and pretended to read her essay on the computer screen.

"Carly..."

"No."

"But yours is so deliciously gooey," Sam kept at it, "You know how I love gooey, melted ice-cream."

"Tough luck."

"Just a little bit. You have so much and I have none."

"Look, you're not getting any of this, so just give it a re..."

Carly swung her head to Sam, fully intending to stare the girl down, but as soon as she came face to face with her Sam again snuck a kiss on her mouth. This one was just a quick peck, like the first one, but it still froze Carly up all the same. She could only stare in confusion how Sam smirked winsomely and stole the bowl from her. In fact, she was still staring when the blonde started lapping up the ice-cream right in front of her with a smug expression on her face.

This was definitely becoming a nuisance, Carly's brain recognised, while she was slowly recovering her motor functions. That Sam could totally hypnotise her with a kiss was intolerable, not to mention inconceivable. And unacceptable. Worse, the girl had no inhibitions about performing her stunt in front of people, putting god only knew what thoughts in their heads...

Suddenly Carly was shocked back to her senses as she remembered her brother was standing right behind her. "It's not what you think, Spencer!" she yelped, jumping to her feet and facing him.

"Relax, he's sleeping," Sam mumbled through a mouthful of ice-cream.

"Huh?" Carly uttered, glancing at Sam and then at her brother again. Sure enough, his eyes were closed and he seemed totally out of it. But he was still standing right there, hands in pockets! "How can he sleep standing up?" she asked from Sam, but the girl only shrugged back. "Spencer?" she said uncertainly, poking him in the shoulder lightly.

As soon as Carly touched Spencer, his body went limb and he fell to the floor. Carly startled back and watched how he just got back on his feet. At least his eyes were open now. "I'm going to bed," he muttered and started stumbling away, towards his room.

Carly stared quietly after Spencer for as long as it took him to disappear out of sight. "You have to admit, that'd be a pretty sweet skill to have," Sam said from beside her.

Still speechless, Carly turned to Sam and took in the ice-cream smeared face. "Gimme that," she said curtly, frowning as she snatched the bowl back.


	5. Chapter 5

5.

By Tuesday evening Carly was fairly certain she'd managed to solve this particular dilemma. She'd been avoiding Sam the whole day in school, spending as little time as possible with her and always keeping her guard up. It had served a twofold purpose. One, it had left Sam unable to perform her arcane Jedi kiss tricks, and two, it had confirmed that avoiding Sam was not the solution. The mere thought was unbearable, and the school day alone had felt twice as long without the girl.

During the day Carly had figured out that there was no conceivable way for her to prevent Sam from kissing her again. If she couldn't stay away from the girl, the opportunity would eventually present itself and Sam would seize it. Asking or outright telling her to quit it would be pointless. While Carly was capable of not-so-subtly guiding Sam in the direction she wanted, there was no earthly way to directly control Sam's behaviour. She might obey a command temporarily, but the next day all bets were off.

So, if she couldn't prevent it, the only logical conclusion was that she had to change the effect it had on her. To do that she had to fully recognise why it did have the effect it did, in the first place. The reason couldn't be Sam, the girl was hardly an expert kisser, just awesomely efficient in making do with what she was given. So the fault had to be in Carly, herself. And by five thirty she was sure she'd eliminated all the wrong reasons and was left with the answer. She wasn't repulsed by the kissing, so it wasn't unconscious homophobia. She wasn't even bothered by the act itself, quite the contrary. Kissing Sam was exciting, it was only the end result that needed to be corrected.

So by Carly's calculations the answer was simply: She liked Sam. Very, very much, in fact. Now all that remained was to test out the theory in practice.

The knock on the door came just as Carly was putting the finishing touches on her ham and cheese sandwich. "Whoo likes sci-ence?! Aii like sci-ence!" she was chanting loudly as she headed in the living room.

Spencer was already there, though, quickly bouncing up from the couch and rushing to the entrance. "Weee like sci-ence!" he picked up Carly's ditty, and opened the front door. "Saaam like sci-ence?" he went on when the blonde girl walked inside.

"I hate science," Sam replied in a deadpan.

Spencer closed the door and turned to Carly, "Saam hates sci-ence!"

"Enough!" Carly curtly ordered from where she stood in front of the stairs.

"Aii can't stopmyself!" he just kept on singing, looking a little alarmed.

"Away!" Carly stared sternly at him and pointed a finger towards his room.

Spencer placed both hands on his mouth, still emitting muffled sounds, and quickly ran off. Carly chuckled awkwardly when she noticed Sam's puzzled look. "What the heck was that?" the girl asked, sounding more bored than curious.

Carly kept a nice smile plastered on her face and shook her head. "Who can tell?" She waited patiently for Sam to start walking towards her, keenly trying to follow where the blonde's gaze was directed. Step one of her plan was to lure Sam into using her hypnotic kiss again, but at the same time the girl could not be allowed to catch even a whiff that Carly was onto her.

"Nice looking sandwich," Sam said, stopping a few feet short of her, "Ham and cheese?"

Carly was pleased to note the hungry look in her friend's eyes. "You know it," she replied, doing her best to remain nonchalant. As she started to slowly walk towards Sam, Carly couldn't help but smile again at how the girl's stare never left the sandwich.

"Could I have a bite?"

"Noh," she breathed out the word. "I'm very hungry and want it all to myself," she said, stopping right next to the blonde. There was barely two inches between them.

"Just a tiny bite?" Sam pleaded.

"I'm afraid I can't spare even a tiny bite," Carly said, purposely directing her eyes away from her friend. She readied herself for the inevitable. Damn, but she was good. Here it came...

"All right then." Sam shrugged and made her way back around to the front of the couch.

"What?!" Carly yelped incredulously. This was not how she planned it! Sam was supposed to try and kiss her to get the sandwich! "You don't want it?!"

Sam looked at her confusedly. "You said I couldn't have any."

"And you can't," Carly quickly answered in a steadier voice, shaking off the setback before the whole caper was blown. "But we really should be getting to work on iCarly," she said, nodding to the stairs, "We need a ton of ideas."

"Shouldn't we wait for Freddie?" Sam asked, plodding herself down on the couch and picking up the remote, "Isn't he coming?"

"I'm not sure." He wasn't. Carly'd made certain of that, this operation definitely didn't need an audience.

"Well, let's just give him a minute," Sam said, clicking on the television.

Carly grinned a little wickedly behind the blonde's back. "Sam..." she said, trying to sound put upon, and followed her around to the couch. "We have no time for dilly-dallying."

"Dilly-dallying?" Sam grinned, glancing up at Carly when she arrived.

"It's a word," Carly protested the mocking tone in Sam's voice. She set the sandwich on the coffee table and took a seat right next to the girl, so close in fact that their legs were touching each other. "We need to get to work, Sams," she said, looking intently at her.

"Come on, Carly. Just a minute of telly." Sam said, her eyes glued to the screen. "I'll be much more productive afterwards."

"No telly!" Carly stated firmly, grabbing the remote from Sam and turning the television off. "Now, come on." She nudged her head towards the stairs again, but taking care to keep her stare fixed on the girl.

Sam's pouty face looked back at her, and then she leaned forward slightly. All right! Attempt number two was going to work. But instead of going for the kiss, Sam just pushed herself off the couch. "Fine," she said in a disappointed voice, and stood up.

Carly groaned aloud in frustration, but followed suit. The failure was much easier to accept the second time.

She was prepared to follow Sam to the stairs, but the girl wasn't moving. Instead her eyes were fixed on the sandwich again. "You gona eat that or not?" Sam asked.

What'd be the point, Carly wasn't even really hungry. "No," she grumbled, "Go ahead."

"Awesome!" Sam's face lit up as she snapped up the sandwich and took a huge bite out of it immediately. "You're such a good friend, Carlsberg," she muttered, mouth full of food.

"I know." Carly sighed heavily, and turned around to lead the way instead of following.

This was turning out to be more difficult than anticipated, Carly thought as they headed upstairs. Sam was caving much too easily. She hardly put up a fight at all! If she could just get this first part out of the way, the rest would be much easier since it only relied on herself. No stupid other people to mess up her perfectly organised plan.

At the top floor Carly paused to wait and let Sam go in first. The girl passed her, swallowing down the last of the sandwich, having wolfed it all down on the way up, and walked to the middle of the room. Pointing at the wall monitor, she turned back to Carly. "What's that?" On display was a close up still image of Lewbert's famous mole.

"That," Carly said, slowly toddling in and swaying her arms back and forth, "Is a new prank me and Freddie pulled on Lewbert on Sunday."

"Yeah?" Sam smiled excitedly. "Is it good?"

Carly shrugged and tried to suppress her own smile, not quite succeeding. "It's okay, I guess," she said, coming to a stop in front of Sam.

"Let's watch it!" Sam said, trying to brush past her and back to the computer desk.

Carly grabbed her arm and gently pushed her back. "Not so fast," she said, smirking, "It's your reward, for when we're done."

"Oh, come on. Please?" Sam frowned, trying to shake free of Carly's hold.

"Nope." She shook her head.

"Why are you being such a hard-ass today?"

"Hard-ass?! I just gave you my sandwich!" Carly was a little offended, even though her whole plan relied on her being inflexible, and so the accusation wasn't without its merits.

"Yeah, after I asked for it for like a hundred times," Sam muttered under her breath.

"You can see the video AFTER we're done," Carly said.

Sam stared defiantly at her for a moment, and again Carly dared to get her hopes up. Perhaps this time the girl would make her move. Just wait her out, she thought, bowing her head slightly and turning her eyes to the floor. Gently Sam took hold of Carly's arm and removed it from her own, where Carly was still gripping it. "Fine. Whatever," the blonde drawled, dropping down on one of the two beanbag chairs laid side by side on the floor.

Carly sighed in disappointment. "Fine, whatever," she mumbled mockingly, sitting down on the other beanbag. What a spineless cretin her friend had transformed into all of a sudden. It made her wonder if the whole thing was even worth the effort. Well, all of her traps had been sprung already, so there was nothing else she could do tonight.

"What'd you say?" Sam asked, laughing shortly.

Carly only waived it off and picked up two folders and a blanket from the floor. She tossed one of the folders to Sam and then, because she felt a little chilly, covered herself with the blanket. She opened her own folder and buried her face in it. "Any thoughts off the top of your head?" Carly muttered, so depressed by the fiasco she couldn't even find the energy to get interested in iCarly.

"Can I have the blanket?" Sam's question came from surprisingly close.

Carly lowered the folder down to find the girl's face right behind it. "No." She sneered. "I'm co...mmmph!"

Suddenly Sam pounced forward, planting her lips on Carly's, again managing to take her by surprise, despite all her preparations. It all happened too fast, she felt herself slipping away again, just as before. But when she noticed the blanket start sliding off her, something inside Carly began to scream in protest. This was so ridiculously pathetic, no way could she let Sam keep getting away with it. And then finally, when Sam was about to pull away, escape with her booty, Carly grabbed hold of her head with both hands, not letting the girl end the kiss.

Quickly taking advantage of the surprise, she rolled their bodies off the beanbag and to the floor, ending on top of Sam herself. The jolt broke their contact for a moment and Carly saw the confusion in Sam's eyes. "Umm, what's going on, Carly?" the girl asked timidly.

"I don't know," Carly said, a little out of breath. "You started it."

And then they were kissing again. Carly wasn't sure who initiated it this time, but it was the first time they were both into it. Sliding her tongue in through Sam's parted lips, tasting coconut along the way again, she more felt than heard her moan. Carly was starting to lose herself in the kiss again. But it was different now, she wasn't the only one, they were both lost for the moment, together.

Then suddenly there was a sharp pain in Carly's scalp as her hair was being pulled. "Ow," she muttered a little angrily, pulling away from Sam and glaring down at her face, "What are you doing?"

"I have to know what's going on, Carly," Sam said. She looked fearful, an expression that really didn't fit her face at all. "This doesn't feel like a game anymore."

"A game?" Carly huffed, sitting up and turning away from the girl. "So kissing me was just a game to you?"

There was a brief silence, then Sam sat up too and placed a hand on Carly's shoulder. "Well, I mean..." she hesitated a moment, "Obviously?"

"Well, it's not a game to me," Carly said, looking down at her lap where her hands were playing with the hem of her shirt. She'd never been so vulnerable, it felt like Sam held her life in her hands, and that was not a safe feeling. "I love you, Sam. More than as a friend," she whispered, upgrading the 'like', she'd previously admitted to herself, to 'love'. It had a nicer ring to it.

"All right, I can deal with that," Sam whispered back immediately.

"I don't want you to deal with it," Carly said, frustrated. "I want you to want me, too."

Sam sighed, and then her arms came around Carly and she felt herself being pulled into a hug from behind. Carly struggled weakly to pull away, but Sam wouldn't let go. Instead her head landed on Carly's shoulder. "Look, Carls. I'm messed up in the head, you know that. Half the time I don't know what I want. I mean, sometimes when we're sleeping together, or you're sleeping and I'm awake watching you, I think about just eating you up..."

"Too creepy!" Carly yelped through a laugh, even as she felt tears glistening in her eyes.

"... because it'd combine my two passions: Food and you." Sam finished.

"But do you love me? In that way?" Carly asked, quickly wiping the tears away with the back of her hand.

"I love you in every possible way, Carly Shay." Sam said quietly, pausing for a while. All through the silence all Carly could think about was Sam's tickling, warm breath on her neck. "I just don't know if I love you _that way_ enough. Because you seem really intense about this."

"I'm intense?" Carly replied incredulously, "At least you don't have to go to sleep, wondering whether you'll wake up with a chunk of your arm missing." She took a hold of Sam's arms and pulled away from the hug, turning half way around so she could see the girl's face. "I won't be like this all the time," Carly said more seriously, "I swear I won't. Nothing has to change, except we'll just be even closer than before."

"You sure?" Sam quirked an eyebrow.

Carly nodded. "I'm sure. We'll just go on, day at a time, and soon you'll realise it's as natural part of you as shoving Freddie in a locker. And before you know it, we're off in college, sharing a dorm, totally in love, and everything's still the same."

"I'm not going to college." Sam frowned.

"Scratch college." Carly swiftly shook her head. "You're in jail, and I'll visit on visiting days, and when you get out I'll be waiting in my Cadillac, and we'll drive off to the sunset." She was talking fast, just saying anything and everything that popped in her head.

Sam was smiling now. "I think they usually let you out in the morning."

"Why do you know that?!" Carly laughed.

Sam shrugged, bowing her head for a moment. When she lifted her eyes back to Carly there was a determined look on her face. "Fine. Let's go for it."

"Eep!" Carly screeched, throwing her arms around the girl and hugging her tightly to her chest.

"But if it doesn't work out, I'll get to have a bite."

Carly giggled quietly. When she felt Sam return the hug with only a little less enthusiasm, she rubbed her cheek against the blonde curls, closing her eyes in contentment. She really was in love.

-- end --


End file.
